So it has been a really long time since my last post and this is huge news for me to share with you. I am now a mom and while I am still confused and lost in the new born trenches, I needed to let it out my thoughts and feelings before the PPD gets to me.
I love my baby so much I cannot phantom how he chose me to be his mother.
This is the hardest thing I've experienced so far. This is one of those things you cannot walk away from without feeling intense guilt and shame, I don't think I could ever. The experiences might be a little bit better if they do tell me things they don't tell you and should be telling or maybe pounding in your head more about being pregnant
Last 6 weeks will drive you crazy
I have been so lucky with my pregnancy, it was breezy up until the last 6 week stretch before labor. I could not sleep because of the pelvic pressure and the weight of the baby made it so hard to just get up and go anywhere but I'm telling you, being ignorant about some things could be the best thing that happen to you. I was out and about until the day I gave birth and did run into somebody telling me I was supposed to be at home and rest, which I did not feel like doing.
Don't trust what your medical providers tell you. It's all estimates at every point.
I was leaning towards a vaginal delivery because the thought of going through a surgery while you're fully awake is fucking crazy and scary. No I was not prepared mentally for that so I made sure to ask my OB to estimate the size of my baby, you know just in case he's too big to be delivered down there. They all said everything is right on schedule and standards and my pump didn't look to big. Until 40 week appointment came and they could not calculate the size of my baby through ultrasound. Oblivious by the fact that the next they, during an urgent ultrasound appointment, I found out I was carrying a 10 lbs 14 oz baby, the tech made sure that I knew there was only 16 oz in 1 lb. I was sent to labor and delivery stats because the tech didn't want to read on the news that I'd give birth to a baby on the side of the road lol.
C-section was not that scary
After a good cry for panicking that I was going to do C-section because at that point I was sure that I had not prepared my pelvis and vaginal canal for a 10 lbs baby whose head was already at 11 cm. I must say the scariest part for me was walking to the operating room and anticipating the procedures. Everything came after the moment I felt a pinch in my curled up spine was a blur. I think I tapped out during the whole time and a nurse even told me I had the calmest poker face. About 20 minutes and a huge pressure in my belly later, I heard a loud cry and felt a huge relieve. My husband and I both acknowledged a sense that my pregnancy was over and we were at that moment parents.
Breastfeeding is a salvage and incredibly painful ritual
The nurse I had on the first night did not have much empathy for a new mom like myself. If only she just showed me bits and parts of how to start the feed journey with my baby, I don't think I would have not hated breastfeeding or even breast pumping this much. I dreaded it so much. I stopped feeling extremely guilty because I had the milk but I couldn't give it to my child. I had to tell myself that at least I got to feed him my colostrum and that was the best I was able to do for him.
First baby brings a lot of uncertainty and anxiety
I was on full blown mom anxiety not knowing what would happen and if I would raise him well. There were nights that I had woken up to me checking if my baby was still breathing. I still do sometimes now but the feelings of him getting hurt really messes with my head. I am now my mom and I couldn't believe it.
Hormonal imbalance brings me full blown rage and the lack of sleep tops everything of with hatred
I cannot explain my negative behavior towards everybody that is trying to help. I mean I don't know anything about taking care a baby but once anyone wants to give me unsolicited advises, I feel rage and judged because why are you not trusting me with my own baby. I hate this feeling and seeing a therapist is helping. Man, I thought this would never happen to me before having baby, ppd really creeps on anyone.
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I'm happy I'm here and I'm happy I am a mom. I understand why my mom is the way she is because I am now the way I am. Motherhood is the toughest thing I've ever done and probably would be for the rest of my life. I love being here though and I hope you'd too.
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