I came back here after 5 years remembering vividly how I was feeling back then. I felt lost, crushed and heart broken. 5 years later, I have a baby and still somehow have that sunken feeling unsure about my future and his future and everything else. I don't think life is hard and it shouldn't be, don't do things to other people and they won't do anything to you, at least that's what I am being programmed, and it just bothers people when you don't want to bother them. A wise mama told me that I should have a new outlook for myself and staying at home knowing time does not belong to only me is making me feeling stuck but then I'm so blessed with all my time at least for 2 years with my beautiful and happy boy. Why do I feel bad when I made a life and is raising him well? Why do my feelings depend on someone else whose life has not changed much except mine?
I don't know it just sucks so much that being a mom comes with so much anxiety and uncertainty. I need to tell myself and remind myself constantly every minute that what am I feeling good or bad is temporary but I do wonder if I am going to like my life in 10 years, 20 years or in my death bed. Does it even matter? Two things I do know matter the most right now are my son's and my parents' life, I do hope I can contribute great things to theirs. I do get it now ba ma, how being a parent is so hard and I thank you for the life you've given me, it's been so beautiful.
